I’ll never forget the basic regular lesbian error We ever produced. I became puffing on a cig outside of a lesbian club, looking all bleary-eyed and angst-ridden when an older dyke, most likely about fifteen many years my elderly, came sauntering on over to myself.

« what’s-her-name? » She asked me personally, bending up against the graffitied concrete wall, taking a less heavy of the woman back wallet like some sort of 1940s swashbuckler.

« Huh? »

« Oh, honey. » The secret lesbian said. « its obvious you’re troubled about a female. » She seemed me long and frustrating when you look at the vision and significantly raised her bushy left brow. « I’m sure that phrase. »

I stamped completely my smoking. « It really is that apparent? » I squeaked.

She lit the woman smoke and sucked back once again an extraordinary drag of smoke. « Yes. »

We sighed. « Great. Not one of my pals will talk to me personally because we drunkenly connected with certainly their unique exes. » I gazed into my personal filthy Converse sneakers wondering the hell they got thus filthy.

Had we blacked out and gone climbing?

a slow smile extended by itself across the mystery lesbian’s weathered-looking face. « Rookie mistake. »

« I really don’t see what the big deal is! They’ve been broken up for two f*cking many years! » We almost spat.

« Hunt, kiddo. Never shit for which you take in. » And just like that, she had been gone. I really could hear the lady chuckling to by herself as she happily waddled back to the club, leaving us to stew inside the anxious sweats of my « rookie error. »

Which could happen the initial novice mistake I made when it stumbled on the mystical underworld of lesbian love and gender, but allow me to guarantee you, it really was not the past. I am not sure about you queers, it took me quite a while to know the intricate regulations associated with the ever-complicated girl-on-girl dating scene.

Listed below are 30 novice mistakes we made, that I finally quit generating by the time I struck 30 and became the seasoned lesbian I am now. (Though we *might* possess unexpected slip-up, but shh).

Oh, and infant gays, please study from my personal errors. We throw me within the bus and come up with me an un-dateable, red-flag-waving lesbian so YOU can have a much better relationship existence than We actually did.

1. capturing feelings for a lady with a boyfriend.

This just causes a smashed heart, a life-long distaste for many heterosexual-man-kind, and unbelievable frustration. We made this mistake in senior high school and I’m persuaded it screwed me personally upwards for a lifetime.

PSA: Ladies, ladies, women. Usually do not be seduced by a woman with a boyfriend. You will get yourself into all sorts of difficulty. At the least wait until once they break-up and she’s sure she desires to carry out more than just « practice kissing » to you.

2. Hooking-up with a buddy’s ex.

The older lesbians pal that laughed at me through that life-changing night at bar was correct. « Don’t shit for which you consume, kiddo. »

Severely, « kiddo, » you should not do it. I’m sure it feels like there are just ten attractive lesbians in your area and nine of them have actually outdated one of your pals, but sometimes score the only lesbian who may haven’t, or big date outside of your own urban area.

Hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned by among the woman Sapphic pals. That grudge lasts a lifetime.

3. starting up with a friend of a buddy’s ex.

Really don’t care and attention if girl you would like is a pal of a buddy of a friend of a pal of a friend. If she actually is in any way tethered to a dyke you love, stay much, far.

Our company is a tough lesbian tribe. Upset among all of us, angry we all, baby.

(I’m sure, I know. It sucks. This is why I like currently long-distance; there isn’t local baggage to worry over.)

4. Trusting a f*ckboi.

If she seems like a Shane, talks like a Shane, and walks like a Shane, chances are she’s a Shane.

5. making the assumption that because she is a woman, it is impossible on her behalf becoming a f*ckboi


I really don’t care if she actually is a butch, a femme, a base, a stud, a lipstick lesbian, a makeup lesbian or a chapstick lesbian—just because she is a self-identified lady does not mean she can not be a f*ckboi. F*ckbois appear in all shapes, dimensions, and designs.

6. Hooking up with a bartender of the best bar.

It’s going to fall apart and get embarrassing and you, my personal sweet darling, will never be able to enter your favorite club again, without needing to A) pop music a Xanax (and is an awful idea if you’re consuming) or B) simply take three tequila shots (that will be an awful idea generally).

7. U-Hauling.

We guaranteed my self I would not be the lesbian which u-hauled until I was the lesbian just who u-hauled. Now I am the lesbian that officially never ever lasted a lease.

8. Signing leases against my personal much better judgment.

Talking about leases, the number of times i have dutifully signed that godforsaken dotted line whenever my instincts had been yelling « cannot exercise! This bitch is actually ridiculous! » is unpleasant, as you would expect.

9. Wearing my personal girl’s leggings.

« are you presently sporting my leggings?! » My personal gf mouthed for me after showing up belated to a yoga class. I was in downward dog wanting to center my self. « what is the problem? » We mouthed straight back.

« We can’t share leggings! Its unsexy! » She said out loud, startling the Republican girl sleeping in young child’s present to the woman remaining.

Honestly, she is right. Revealing leggings could be the gateway drug to peeing because of the doorway open. And also you know, any time you pee making use of the doorway available in front of your gf, a lesbian angel seems to lose her wings.

10. dressed in my personal girlfriend’s trousers (without inquiring).

When you begin getting in trouble for dressed in the girlfriend’s $300 designer denim jeans without inquiring, you are approaching sibling status. Your girl will scream at you would like you’re the girl irritating little cousin whom takes each of the woman good shit. Of course


goodness forbid


someone happens to look better than she does inside her trousers, really, pretty soon she’s going to begin thinking of you as their annoying small sibling which steals each of the woman great shit. There is nothing beautiful regarding the gf associating her younger brother.

Its a guaranteed way to never have sex again.

11. making use of my girl’s brush.

When you start discussing a brush, you drop the identification totally. Before long might be among those weird lesbian lovers having morphed into the same person. Preserve the individuality, and rehearse your personal brush, please and thank-you.

12. Flirting using my ex-girlfriend’s friends.

It is an inexpensive adventure, but believe me. It really is bad karma.

13. advising my sweetheart that the woman pal was flirting beside me.

Should your girl’s pal is slightly flirting along with you, just pretend she’s becoming very friendly and do not, previously drunkenly inform your girl.

If you do not wish to be on center with the lesbian drama, definitely. Which, yes, are fun for 5 moments, but quickly turns out to be, uh, frightening…

14. Switching my personal girl’s design.

Should you tell your girl she appears sexier in blazers than she really does in board shorts, she’s going to resent you for the remainder of your own commitment.

Just maintain your mouth sealed and take your own girl for the board-short-sporting lesbian that she is, otherwise find a geniune blazer-wearing girlfriend. Because bear in mind: it’s not possible to turn panel shorts into a blazer, it doesn’t matter how frustrating you take to.

(But you can, when it comes to record, change a housewife into a ho).

15. creating articles about being an insane girl on the internet.

Just have actually I authored articles detailing exactly what an insane bitch Im, but I’ve been pissed-off whenever girls i am freshly matchmaking assume i am an insane bitch. « Well, didn’t you discuss it on the web? » They are going to ask.



. Touch



16. Pretending to understand what lesbian gender was whenever I didn’t come with idea.

« Without a doubt i understand exactly what lesbian sex is actually. It is when um, you are aware. Like, when a female becomes on top of a girl… »

17. Pretending we realized simple tips to scissor when I had no hint.

« I favor scissoring! » We yelped at get older 16 when I thought scissoring intended carrying out crafts and arts collectively.

18. splitting up using my girl when we happened to be both on our durations.

Do not make any abrupt decisions when you’re both hemorrhaging.

19. Being significantly envious and possessive toward my girlfriend whenever another makeup lesbian/femme type joined the room.

When your girl is going to flirt, she’s going to flirt. Acting like a deranged, hyper-jealous head situation isn’t really planning prevent anyone from doing anything. Actually, it’s going to merely exacerbate the woman desire.

20. Flirting with feminine police, TSA agents, security guards, alongside feamales in uniform because I thought these people were gay.

I lust after a female in a consistent, but sadly only a few ladies in uniforms lust after me.


Everyone loves those long, pointy Lana Del Rey nails. But my ex-girlfriend wouldn’t value them while I attempted penetration with those intense talons.

Oh, the sacrifices all of us fashion lezzies must lead to intercourse! Luckily for us sexual climaxes have more confidence than acrylic nails taste.

22. Faking a climax.

You might be capable fake sexual climaxes with guys, however are unable to trick yours sex, honey. Learned this 1 the difficult way.

23. non-safe sex, because, you know, « lesbians can not get STIs. »

I am astonished We managed to get away from my naughty stage (We state « slut » in an empowered way! Don’t be concerned!) without catching every STI under the sun.

I did not know just what a dental care dam was whenever I was actually 21. I was thinking it had been anything they stuck within throat at dentist. And I also hate the dentist.

24. Playing to the « helpless femme » stereotype.

Even though society associates womanliness with weakness does not mean i need to play the role. Screw that. I wear heaps of mascara, look great in pale red, and will rescue me from any catastrophe.

25. Falling crazy while squandered at lesbian functions.

« Owen, i am in love » we as soon as slurred to my closest friend at now-defunct Williamsburg homosexual bar « Sugarland. » Another early morning I woke using my cardiovascular system beating and my personal mouth area as dry as the Sahara desert.

I happened to be quickly overloaded with awkward thoughts of pronouncing my personal like to a lady whoever name or face I could perhaps not bear in mind. For the following season, we lived-in incessant anxiety about working into this woman once more.


26. phoning my personal sweetheart my ex-girlfriend’s name.

Though i did so get a hold of a great way to step out of this. Should you decide call your own girl your own ex-girlfriend’s name, just repeat the immediate following:

« Oh babe, i am SO sorry. I also known as you her title because I associate their with tension and that I’m stressed immediately! You won’t ever stress me personally away, and that’s why it feels overseas to express your own beautiful title whenever I feel pressured. » Works like a charm.

« merely a lesbian could imagine that, » my good friend Kevin believed to me whenever I told him how I had gotten of contacting my personal sweetheart a bad title. He isn’t wrong.

27. planning I’d a « type. »

I accustomed think I liked ladies with short hair who were taller than me personally. Today I understand Really don’t discriminate.

Butch, femme, stem, tall, brief


I love all types of lesbians (as the French will say,


). Purr.

28. Playing difficult to get.

I regularly imagine basically blew off a night out together or don’t text the girl I lusted over back, she would anything like me much more. Then I discovered that that game fails with ladies (about not confident, mentally-stable females). It just tends to make this lady think you are a manipulative small twerp, and she doesn’t always have time for the, okay?

29. dropping up and advising a woman throughout the first Tinder time I’d currently viewed the woman Instagram.

« Oh, yeah, your cat, Fred! He’s soooo attractive. »

« how will you understand i’ve a pet called Fred? »

Crickets. Crickets. And much more crickets.

30. Considering the most important girl we ever dated had been the passion for my entire life and this would I never conquer this lady.

The initial lesbian slice could be the strongest, but we vow you, my heartbroken child lesbians, you are not supposed to have the most important lady you date. Indeed, you mustn’t have the very first woman you date. Your emotions are too out-of strike, the limits are too large. Plus, being understand what you really fancy, you should get in there and day as much various girls as possible.

Very dried out those tears, babe. You’ll receive over this lady. We big-sister-lesbian promise.